Tuesday, 16 June 2015

An Intellectual Snob's Guide to Appreciating Crappy Films.

Used for review purposes
Every now and then you'll be caught in a conversation where you'll be forced to admit you adore a film that is regarded as objectively poor.

Or you may find yourself listening to a self-styled gatekeeper as they give you vague reasons as to why a crap film is not quite so crap as you've been led to believe. You may wonder about what the hell they are blathering.

In both these situations, there is an accepted code:

They Say... They mean...
“It's fun.” Explosions. Eye candy. Don't judge me.
“Schlock” If you didn't like it, you were paying too much attention to the plot.
“Anyway, it's a different beast entirely from the source materiel” Don't judge me.
“It's true to the spirit of...” You're judging me, I can tell.
“It's done with total commitment...” You DO NOT get to judge me.
“I love it unironically” I have chosen this hill, and I will die on it.
The aesthetic is...


... handled well

... is astonishingly realised.

I own the soundtrack, but am too embarrassed to tell you.

No, but there some serious eye candy, tho.

Actually, I'll come clean. I have a sexual fantasy that looks like this film.
“I know it's (insert derogatory term) but it has it's moments. Some of the actors are kind of hot.
“Yes, I have a special place in my heart for X.” You mean X?
“I really liked X's performance” Yes. I mean X.
“X is better than the vehicle, certainly.” Damn.
“X's performance felt very true to the book.” Because I fancy the character, too, right?
“Yes. I mean you compare it to Y's interpretation of the role – and I just feel X captured something that Y didn't.” Yeah, totally. And while Y is the more respected actor, I just don't fancy them.
“Very much so. Y's portrayal lacked the energy of X's” It's a no brainer, really.
“X's performance is very much the high point of the film.” That arse.
“And, also, PAUL MCGANN.” And we're totally just talking about his fine acting, right?

Used for review purposes
That fine, fine acting.

Many thanks to Anna V Strauss for the insight. Feel free to leave any more suggestions in the comments.